The Most Improbable Solution to the SGC's Problem
by mermaid2bseeker
Summary: The title pretty much says it all.
1. Chapter 1

The Most Improbable Solution to the SGC's Current Problem in Six Pages or Less.  
by mermaid2bseeker

Chapter 1:

Laura Jones, an alien woman on her alien home planet lay on the grass and looked up at the stars. She suddenly had a brilliant idea. "Eureka!" she said, sitting up. All she would need is some fire and a bucket of water. So she hurried to the well, got a bucket of water and a burning torch, then ran back to where she had been a few minutes ago.

She built a small campfire, and stared into it. "To the Great and All Powerful Ori, can you please send me a Prior so that I may teach my people Origin," she talked to the flame. She tried to sound as sincere as possible, all the while having two fingers crossed behind her back.

Two minutes later, a Prior walked out of the flames and spoke to her. "Thank you for calling the Ori customer service center. Where we come from, and where we are going, are all the same. So, you and your people wish to know true enlightenment?"

"Yeah, about that…" Laura grabbed the bucket of water and chucked it at the Prior.

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh I'm melting." The Prior dissolved into a wet puddle on the floor, leaving his clothes and his magic staff behind.

Laura danced happily. "I knew it, I am a genius."

"Well, I really should inform the Tau'ri about this, but how do I do that? Rumor has it that their gate is guarded by a giant metal slicer." She picked up the magic staff. "I wonder how you use this thing."

The staff vibrated in her hands. "Press one if you would like to cause a planet wide epidemic," it spoke to her through a tiny speaker as a small number pad popped open near the middle. "Press two if you would like to throw someone across the room. Press three if you would like to transport up to six people to the Plains of Celestus. Press four if you would like to speak to a worshiper service representative. Press five if you would like to convert a believer into a Prior. Press six if you would like to impregnate an unsuspecting woman. Press seven if you would like to cure someone's ailments. Press eight if you would like to walk unimpeded through solid objects. Habla espanol? Por favor marque el numero nueve. (Do you speak Spanish? Please press number nine.)"

She pushed number eight. "Thank you for choosing option eight. Non-corporeability will last for approximately thirty seconds." When she became solid again, she picked up the Prior's robes and tried them on for size. They were too big for her so she folded them over her arm.

Walking towards the now active Stargate, Laura once again pushed the number eight, and heard the warning play again. She walked through the naquadah donut and found herself in a concrete room surrounded by guns.

"What the hell kind of Prior is that?" Cameron Mitchell asked from the control room as he watched the woman place the staff and robes on the ramp.

"Maybe the Ori are an equal opportunity employer?" Sam Carter suggested.

"What?" Daniel Jackson asked flabbergasted. "That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard you say."

"I do not believe it is Colonel Carter's fault that she has become less intelligent than normal." Teal'c sat in the corner with a mirror and hair gel, experimenting with the different ways his hair could look.

"Yeah," Sam nodded. "Ever since they took away Jake, The Powers That Be have been displaying how awful I am at leading WX-1. Or they've been showing off my emotions as though all I can think with is my heart and not my brain."

"What? No they haven't." Cameron didn't remember reading anything about that in the hundreds of mission reports he read during his character building stint in the hospital.

Daniel pushed up his glasses. "Have you watched the eighth season? It's incredible what they put her though."

"The Copier 'Fifteenth'," she counted off on her fingers. "My clone, my ex-fiance Paul, Jake's psuedo-girlfriend, my dad's death. To top it all off, I finally go fishing with Jake, twice, and they kick him off the series. It's just so unfair."

Cameron was shocked silly. "Wow, you really do live vicariously through your persona on _Wormhole X-treme: the Adventure Continues_, don't you?"

"Mmm-hmm."

General Hank Landry walked up behind them. "If you're done socializing, our guest has something to show us."

* * *

Two more chapters. 


	2. Chapter 2

The Most Improbable Solution to the SGC's Current Problem in Six Pages or Less.

Chapter 2:

SG-1 and the General met with Laura in the conference room. Laura was positively giddy to be meeting with the legendary team. Rumor was they even had their own television show in an alternate reality. How cool was that.

"Hi."

"You had something you wanted to show us," Gen. Landry sat down in his chair.

"Yeah," she giggled despite the situation. "I found out how to destroy the Priors."

Daniel took his glasses off dramatically. "You what?"

"Yeah, I was back home, and it just hit me, like Archimedes in the bathtub, Eureka. Except I wasn't in the bathtub. I was looking up at the stars, but I did say Eureka."

"And…"

"Oh, yeah. I lit a fire and called for the Ori customer service center to send me a Prior, so that I could "convert" my people to Origin, yeah right. They sent one through the fire, so I dumped a bucket of water on him and he melted, leaving his staff and robes behind. Then I thought, I should really tell you guys, but I was afraid of your metal slicer, so I pushed number eight on the staff and it made me non-corporeal. So, now here I am telling you all this." Laura smiled at Daniel.

"Wow," Sam nodded in understanding.

"You understood that?" Cameron asked.

"Yeah, didn't you?"

"This is a most interesting solution," Teal'c had finally teased his hair into the 'do he had in 1969.

"Before we go counting our chickens before they hatch," Landry said. "I want to test this theory of Laura's."

"Cool," Cameron stood up. "We'll meet up in the big large empty room on level 24, in five minutes."

"Sweet." Laura giggled a little when she looked at Daniel again, but he was completely oblivious that he looked odd without his glasses on. "We'll need some fire and a bucket of water."

Five minutes later, Siler carried a lit torch and a pail of water along level 24. He stopped at the room labeled "Big, Large, Empty Room" and walked in. Gen. Landry, Cameron, Sam, Daniel, Teal'c, Carolyn Lam, Jack O'Neill, Vala Maldoran—everyone important—was already assembled. He handed the torch to Laura and put the pail on the floor near her.

"Good luck," he said to her. "Mind if I watch?"

"Not at all."

A strange gurgling came from the level above them. Siler sighed and headed out. "Someone fetch me my big wrench! Level 23's flooding again," he shouted as he ran along the corridor.

Sergeant Walter What's-His-Name walked into the room and said, "General Landry, Bra'tac just arrived, he wants to speak with you and Teal'c immediately."

"Did he tell you what it was about?"

"Yes, sir. Something about striped drapes and Dakara's voting system." At that Teal'c literally ran out of the room."

"Tell me how it went in a report," Landry told Cameron as he ran out the room as well.

"Okay, then. Here goes." Laura stared into the heart of the fire and spoke to it. "To the Great and All Powerful Ori," she rolled her eyes. "Can you please send me a Prior so that I may teach these people Origin."

Two minutes later, a Prior popped out of the torch. "Thank you for calling the Ori customer service center. To reach true enlightenment you must not fear that which burns." Vala grabbed Daniel's hand at the mention of 'burns.' "So, you and your people wish to know true enlightenment?"

Laura picked up the pail of water and threw it at the Prior, who proceeded to yell and melt into nothingness, leaving his staff and robes behind.

"Wow," Sam said finally.

"Does that remind any of you of that one movie?" Daniel asked.

"What movie?" Jack asked.

"_The Wizard of Oz_, Jack. You should know that."

"Oh, sorry. I was too busy looking down Carter's blouse to notice."

"Hey." Sam smiled despite being offended.

"What?"

Vala grinned. "Well, I think this calls for a celebration. I mean, come on, something like 75 of your fair planet is water."

Laura grinned at all of them. Rumor had it that the new SGC had three budding couples. And it looked like that was true. Cameron and Carolyn were standing close together, as were Sam and Jack, and Daniel and Vala. The unresolved tension in that room was stifling. Laura stamped her foot. "Just make out already, all of you. Do you want me to close the door and stand guard outside to make sure no one comes in?"

The three guys had stupid grins on their faces as they looked towards the three smaller rooms that branched off that one big room.

Laura rolled her eyes, stepped out of the room, closed the door and stood outside it. "I know one thing that won't be in the report."

* * *

One more chapter 


	3. Chapter 3

The Most Improbable Solution to the SGC's Current Problem in Six Pages or Less.

Chapter 3

About ten minutes later, Landry and Teal'c headed back to the "Big, Large Empty Room" on Level 24.

Laura spotted them and ran into the room she was guarding. There were kissing noises coming from the three smaller rooms. "GENERAL LANDRY'S HERE," shouted at the rooms.

Landry opened the door and he and Teal'c walked in. "Where is everyone?" he asked her.

"Um, they're…um, well you see, the thing is, uh…"

The three doors opened simultaneously and out walked three disheveled couples. Neither Jack nor Daniel had anything to fear from Landry, for their girlfriend's weren't serving in the same command as they were. However, Cameron had a lot to fear, for even though Carolyn Lam wasn't in the same command structure as he was, she was the General's daughter. Cameron stood at attention and prayed to God that he wasn't reassigned somewhere like Antarctica.

"Colonel Mitchell," Landry's low voice was scary as hell, "my office."

"He asked me to marry him, Dad." Carolyn had never been afraid to speak up as a child. She showed Landry her left hand. "And I said yes."

Landry looked halfway between a hissyfit and a kanipshit, but he just nodded and left the room.

Teal'c looked to Sam, who was fingering her left hand nervously. He raised his eyebrow questioningly, so she showed him the engagement ring on her hand. Then he looked to Daniel and Vala, who were still making out. Teal'c noticed the engagement ring on Vala's hand as well. Smiling he left the room.

He fingered the ring box he kept in his right pocket. He headed to the science lab on level 26. There, a female scientist named Jennifer Byers, whom he had been dating for a year and a half, was about to receive an early birthday present.

THE END.

There, you go. And it was actually done in five pages. Just for your information: the references I made to the fictional 'Fifteenth', 'Paul', and 'Jake' are actually references to the replicator 'Fifth,' 'Pete' and 'Jack.'

So how did you like it?


End file.
